and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
zippers are such a cool invention
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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