CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
