Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
