I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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