my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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