dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
