I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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