don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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