Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
