the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
