Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Plan B is the new Plan A
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
