He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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