just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
