You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
love makes seman taste better
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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