eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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