gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
