I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
wanna go halves on a baby?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
