We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My penis needs a shock collar
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
