Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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