I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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