goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i came on her dog
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
