Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
