i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
