So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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