I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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