Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize