I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
