Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I will pee on everything he values.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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