I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
