I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
