booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It's blow job season.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
