So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
