xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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