Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
