did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize