If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
