Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
