Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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