mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
