I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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