david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it glows. i had to have it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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