Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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