Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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