when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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