Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
