just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
