I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
