I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
