Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
