Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
