Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
