Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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