i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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