Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize