After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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