Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize