Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
