At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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