if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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