i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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