i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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