the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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