Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We just shotgunned beers for America
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
