Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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