I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
