i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I did not marry a roomba.
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