Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
